August 18, 2011

Guns, Gays and God: Who will be Queen

Berlin, Germany:  Who would ever think that gay men, guns and the Catholic church would be embroiled together in a German scandal, without bratwurst or knackwurst somehow involved?

Catholic shooting clubs are very popular social outlets in Germany. That’s where men go to practice shooting, fondle pistols, and enjoy the company of their neighbors. Dirk Winter, above right, 44, of Munster (love the cheese) Germany - won the marksmanship competition at his local club this year, earning the title of "Schutzenkoenig" (king of the pistol shooters). After the competition, custom dictates that a marksman’s ball takes place, to celebrate the winner, drink copious amounts of beer, and have a raffle to raise money for the club. Tradition also dictates that the King chooses his Queen for the ball and public appearances. Do you see where this is going?

Dirk Winter  is apparently a very good marksman. He’s won the title before. Dirk Winter is also gay, and in a committed long term relationship with Oliver Hermsdorf, above left. The last time he won the pistol shooting title, he asked his favorite fag hag to be his Queen. When he asked her this year, she said her shelf was full of crowns, and she had no more room for them, so he should ask Oliver to be his Queen.

Oliver was thrilled to be Dirk’s Queen. While Dirk was usually the Queen of their house, Oliver thought it might be neat to be a Queen too, so he said yes.

Shooting clubs are all the rage in Germany, and are closely linked to the Catholic Church. The clubs are very involved in social causes and charities, and the clergy sit on many shooting club boards. There is a series of social events, including a parade, to celebrate the King of the pistol shooters, and his Queen is expected to make appearances with her King.

Some members of the local church whispered about the new Queen, with thinning hair, torn hosiery, an ill fitting dirndl, and slightly used tiara. Word spread to the church, and they just had to get involved. The Most Rev. Heiner Koch, the Catholic Bishop of Cologne, ruled that Queen Oliver could appear at all of the  local social events with King Dirk, provided that he walked a few steps behind King Dirk. He also said the King and Queen should not appear side by side.

The local club was happy, the King and Queen was happy, and as any good Royalist knows - a good Queen is supposed to walk a few steps behind her King and his pistol anyway, so it wasn’t a big deal.

After the local competitions take place, all the Kings in the entire country, and their pistols, gather for another round of competition. King Dirk did so well that he advanced to the national competition! Queen Oliver would get to wear her dirndl and tiara again!

Uh Oh! The Association of Historic German Shooting Clubs (BHDS), told the Hamburger Abendblatt newspaper on the Cheesenburgerplaats, that by bringing his Queen with him, the King is disrespecting the Catholic teaching of marriage between a man and woman.

"Before competing the King signed a questionnaire stating that he subscribed to Christian values and lived by the motto `Faith, Tradition and Home," Rolf Nieborg said. So Rolf lodged an official complaint. He wants the Queen to abdicate in favor of the fag hag, who recommended Oliver for the job in the first place.

The pistol packing King, who is a beverage distributor, never set out to be a crusader for gay rights. He told the Berliner Zeitung newspaper that he thought  the "whole drama silly."

Both sides have agreed to a media blackout, because the BHDS resents the way German media have portrayed the controversy as anti-gay. The King maintains that he doesn't want to do anything that might get him disqualified.

No decision will be made until the Bishop returns from his Moroccan summer vacation.

Gay and lesbian groups have been highly critical of the vacationing Bishop, as the story made national headlines. The activists accused church leaders of "showing a classic case of being holier-than-thou and denying reality."

Last week an Arizona man shot his very own 'business' with a pistol. This week a German gay man won a shooting contest with his pistol, and the church wants to disqualify his Queen for having a pistol. What a gay gay queer world we live in!

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