Rev. Pat Robertson the Gay-Animal! To Bite Zoo People
According to writer Andy Borowitz, the 81 year-old “Depends” spokes-model, drooling televangelist, and Sig Ep fraternity brother - Pat Robertson, made a stirring and sincere inflammatory statement reflecting his love for the homosexual (love the sinner & hate the sin) to his geriatric (deaf and blind) 700 Club radio listeners. He started to warn everyone that big wild cats and mildly quixotic African antelopes and armadillo's were running on leafy suburban streets, and through once manicured lawns, underneath a blue suburban sky.
Robertson felt clever, when he told his audience that there was a security breach at the Zanesville Ohio family zoo. The old preacher-man was still talking as he felt God’s gigantic arm reach right down into his trousers, where he reached for the ground and found Robertson’s ancient ball sack. God tugged hard - right when the old preacher-man was going to talk.
As dozens of escaped exotic animals terrorized the town of Zanesville, Ohio, the Rev. Pat Robertson raised eyebrows today by saying that “God allowed those wild animals to escape because he wanted them to find gay people and bite them.”
The televangelist also contradicted local officials who had warned Zanesville residents to remain indoors until the all the animals had been accounted for: “Really, those animals won’t bite you unless you’re gay.”
"Who yelled Reggie?"
" An animal. Gay? You think? Sure it must have been an animal my BettyBoo."
Big Betty Parnell wasn’t sure that she and big Reggie Parnell would navigate the chaos on their government-issue matching midnight pearl "medicaid scooters." with big gulp cup holder. It’s hard to carry two oxygen tanks, an I V drip, Reggie’s fishing hole, and a bucket of hot ribs while you’re smoking a cigarette. They managed to avoid running over the droolling televangelist and couldn't figure out why he was crawling on all fours like a baby.
They heard the herd of wildebeest coming before they could see them, and didn’t worry because -- Rev. Pat said they weren't gay. uh. oh.