Perverted Crop of Republican Candidates Obsessed With Sex

“Because I am much like Reagan and Margaret Thatcher, I’m such an unconventional political figure that you really need to design a unique campaign that fits the way I operate.” 

So said anti-gay former Congressman Newt Gingrich, the portly wannabe president.

Really? I knew Ronald Reagan and Margaret Thatcher, and Newt Gingrich is neither Ronald Reagan or Margaret Thatcher. To my knowledge, those two weren’t corrupt and Newt Gingrich is corrupt.

Aside from possessing ego’s bigger than Alaska, most Republican candidates for president and Congress are perverts. They’re obsessed with sex and what Americans do in their bedrooms. Isn’t that kind of sick?

What else do we know about the various declared GOP candidates for President? Why aren’t they catching on with the public? Is this the best they can do?

We take a look at what the current crop of Republican candidates for president believe in, and document their obsession with sex.

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Willard Mitt Romney

Willard Mitt Romney (his real name) is a famous flip-flopper and vulture capitalist.

• Who knows what Mitt Romney thinks or believes, he changes his mind daily.
• He was in favor of gay rights, and now is a homophobe
• He was in favor of a woman’s right to choose, and is now in favor of government regulating a woman’s reproductive organs
• He was in favor of universal healthcare, and now opposes expanded access to healthcare
• He talks about too much government regulation, and wants to return to 2008 when there was less regulation and Wall Street nearly destroyed the American economy

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Michele Bachmann

Michele “Bozo” Bachmann believes:

• If you don’t work, you shouldn’t eat
• Is a champion of state rights, except when it comes to gay rights and gay marriage. She wants the federal government to regulate marriage, because she knows better than any state judge or state government.
• It’s OK to be homophobic, because the Bible says “homosexuality” is an abomination.
• The Bible says that women are the property of men, and that slavery is acceptable. She ignores those parts of the Bible, but is obsessed with sex and sexuality. She wants to regulate all women’s reproductive organs
• She talks about too much government regulation, and wants to return to 2008 when there was less regulation and Wall Street nearly destroyed the American economy
• Bachmann is obsessed with gay sex and straight sex. Maybe because her husband Mary doesn't satisfy her. Is Bachmann a pervert? Absolutely.

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Rick Santorum

Rick “Sicko” Santorum is the biggest pervert of all the GOP candidates.

• Rick Santorum does not believe that any American has a right to privacy. He believes that the federal government has an interest in what happens in the bedroom of every adult citizen.
• Like Bozo Bachmann, his clown college colleague, he is in favor of states rights. Except when it comes to marriage. He wants the federal government to regulate marriage, because he knows better. It’s OK to be homophobic, because the Bible says “homosexuality” is an abomination, and threatens traditional marriage more than Kim Kardashian.
• The Bible says that women are the property of men, and that slavery is acceptable. He ignores those parts of the Bible, but is obssessed with sex and sexuality. He wants to regulate a women’s reproductive organs.
• He talks about too much government regulation, and wants to return to 2008 when there was less regulation and Wall Street nearly destroyed the American economy

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Herman Cain

Herman “999’ Cain is a former pizza parlor executive with a penchant for blonde bimbo’s.

• Herman “Squirmin” Cain has a history of sexually harassing women
• He has a “poor grasp” of foreign policy
• He thinks being gay is like joining a club. You pay your dues and you’re a member.
• He is in favor of a woman’s right to choose, and is also in favor of government regulating a woman’s reproductive organs
• He talks about too much government regulation, and wants to return to 2008 when there was less regulation and Wall Street nearly destroyed the American economy

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Rick Perry

Governor ‘oops’ Perry was a cheerleader in his younger days. Need I say more?

• Rick “Shoot ‘Em Up” Perry is dumb dumb dumb
• Can’t name the federal agencies he would like to eliminate
• Like Bozo Bachmann, his clown college colleague, he is in favor of states rights. Except when it comes to marriage. He wants the federal government to regulate marriage, because he knows better. It’s OK to be homophobic, because the Bible says “homosexuality” is an abomination, and threatens traditional marriage more than Kim Kardashian.
• The Bible says that women are the property of men, and that slavery is acceptable. He ignores those parts of the Bible, but is obssessed with sex and sexuality. He wants to regulate all women’s reproductive organs.
• He talks about too much government regulation, and wants to return to 2008 when there was less regulation and Wall Street nearly destroyed the American economy

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Ron (five) Paul

Rep. Ron ‘5 5 5’ Paul is a libertarian Republican Congressman and perpetual candidate for president from Texas.

• Says straight people are a bigger headache in the military than LGBT people
• Wants to eliminate 5 federal agencies (he even tried to coax Perry to say “five” when he drew a 53 second blank)
• He talks about too much government regulation, and wants to return to 2008 when there was less regulation and Wall Street nearly destroyed the American economy

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Newt Gingrich

Former Rep. Newt Gingrich (R-GA) had to step down when he was charged with 84 ethics violations as Speaker of the House.

• Newt “No Ethics” Gingrich Claims he has 53 years of experience in government (he’s 68 years old)
• He Isn’t very good with arithmetic (see above)
• The only Speaker of the House of Representatives to be disciplined for ethics violations
• Famously said “I’m willing to lead but I’m not willing to preside over people who are cannibals” (cannibals=Congress)
• While married to wife number one started an affair with a woman who became wife number two
• While married to wife number two started an extra-marital affair with a woman who became wife number three
• Is currently married to wife number three = pervert in chief
• Like Bozo Bachmann, his clown college colleague, he is in favor of states rights. Except when it comes to marriage. He wants the federal government to regulate marriage, because he knows better. It’s OK to be homophobic, because the Bible says “homosexuality” is an abomination, and threatens traditional marriage more than Kim Kardashian.
• The Bible says that women are the property of men, and that slavery is acceptable. He ignores those parts of the Bible, but is obssessed with sex and sexuality. He wants to regulate all women’s reproductive organs.
• He talks about too much government regulation, and wants to return to 2008 when there was less regulation and Wall Street nearly destroyed the American economy

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Jon Huntsman

Governor Jon Huntsman of Utah is the only Republican candidate for president that I could see myself voting for.

• Jon Huntsman is the only candidate that has foreign policy experience,
• Supports “civil unions” for gay couples which sets him apart from his rivals.
• In my opinion he’s the only legitimate Republican candidate.
• He drank the kool-aid and speaks about too much government regulation like the other clowns.

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At this juncture – not one of these candidates stands a chance at being elected President, unless I’m missing something.

This is a very sad lineup indeed.

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