Trump Family Feud Revealed In Cousin's 2016 Christmas Letter

1,530 words | 7 minute read

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by Roy Steele

In a Jive in the [415]  exclusive, we were sent a copy of the Grump (Trump) Family’s Christmas Letter. Wow. It’s significant because Ronald and Ronni Grump are identical twins, and the first cousins of President-Elect Donald Trump. In the letter Ronni Grump dumps on cousin Donald Trump and tells family stories out of school.

We were able to reach Ronni Grump by telephone from her prefabricated two family house in Suffern, New York. This is a transcript of our brief conversation.

ROY: Hello Miss Grump. Happy Holidays!
RONNI GRUMP: Who is this? Are you from the Enquirer? I told you I like the Star.
ROY: No Miss Grump. I’m not from the Enquirer. I write for a blog online.
RONNI GRUMP: It’s too cold to hang laundry on the clothes line. Do you like pussy [unintelligible mumbling].
ROY: Like pussy what?
RONNI GRUMP: Pussy
ROY: I’m afraid I’m very allergic. Umm.
RONNI GRUMP: Kitties
ROY: I'm allergic to pussy kitties Miss Grump. I think they’re lovely from afar.
RONNI GRUMP: You jog.
ROY: No I write for a blog. I want to talk with you about your cousin Donald Trump.
RONNI GRUMP: Pussy Boots can’t talk right now.

Miss Ronni Grump hung up on me. After multiple attempts to reach her again I gave up. The Christmas letter is self explanatory and  is worth exploring for both the gossip and family photographs.

Christmas 2016

Dear Friends:

Merry Christmas! Pussy Boots Grump says 'hiya' to all my friends. She don’t like Ronald’s friends, and she said “don’t say hiya or meow to youse people.” My twin brother Ronald is a big practical joker. He likes to put a whoopee cushion in Pussy Boots bed, and she don’t like that because it blows air on her fanny and she’s a very sensitive pussy. Ronald came out of the closet the other day and said boo real loud to Pussy Boots and she had to make...and left him a number two on his bed in a bag. Poor Pussy Boots. Right?

This is Pussy Boots Grump. She strongly assembles
our first cousin Donald Trump.

What a year 2016 has been. Our cousin Donald Trump was running for an office and was on the tv set every day. We didn’t vote for him but Sue Simmons on News Center Four said he was a winner so we think it might be true. I said to Ronald that cousin Donald was a whiner not a winner. Ronald said to me that he didn’t think cousin Donald was a shriner. A mason maybe, but no way was he a shriner. You know what I mean?

Our father Gerhard Christopher Drumpf was an immigrant from Germany who came here on a boat that dropped him off on A-List island. He arrived desperate for badezimmer with a dollar sixteen he found somewheres. The immigration asked his name, wrote it down, and handed him a paper that said your new name is Gerhard Grump. I don't think he ever found badezimmer and he mumbled that word every day until he died. Sounds delicious. Right?

Our uncle Frederick Christopher Drumpf came from Germany a year later, and he was dropped off in the harbor by the Statue of Liberty. I guess he wasn't A-List island material. Papa said Frederick arrived with a dollar and dirty dreams about Marlene Dietrich. Immigration put his new name on a paper and it said Frederick Trump. We should all be Grump’s because our father was on A-List island, and got here first, but Frederick didn’t know. That's why our last name is different than them and they're called Trump when they're really a Grump. We’re all Grumps. You know what I mean?

My twin brother Ronald Grump is such a practical joker. 

Ronald and me don’t get along too good with cousin Donald. Since we were little kids we called him Grump and he don’t like that neither. He'd holler dummkopf and we'd yell dummkopf too. I don't know what that means but he'd always say "I know you are but what am I" for hours and hours.

We heard that cousin Donald was in love so we invited him and his lady friend Iwanna (sounds like Eye-wanna), for a meal in our prefabricated two family house. She was from an old country. They got here very late because they got lost in Schenectady after I put a pot of Campbell's tomato soup on the stove. That's all I could cook in those days without a toaster oven. Right?

Donald’s a teetotaler and we didn’t have no diet cola in the icebox and Iwanna said he don’t want no lemonade or Schaefer beer in a can. I found a warm can of Fresca under the sink and was gonna split it for them but she said no. I think she said no. I couldn’t understand a damn word she said. She talked funny cause she was from some foreign country overseas that I couldn’t make out. They didn't stay long and only made it in as far as the davenport in the breezeway. I had a couple envelopes of Sanka I was saving for a special occasion. It's fancy coffee so I thought it'd be OK for Iwanna and cousin Donald to drink. I planned on serving 'coffee and' after dinner. They left to find soda pop at the general store and got lost in Schenectady again and didn’t come back for burned tomato soup or the 'coffee and.' I wonder why they loved Schenectady so much cause it's not by our house. I never figured out the 'and' part either so it's just as well. You know what I mean?

We got invited to their wedding by accident and Iwanna wore bright red lipstick all over her big teeth. She was talking at me and Ronald ‘cause she didn’t know english too good. We couldn’t understand a damn word she said. Ronald stared at the crooked crown on her head and I just said “yeah” and "how 'bout that" a lot and stared at her big red teeth. It was Greek to me. Right?

My pussy kitty Octopussy in 1982.
She loved shrimps cocktails.

I brought my pussy kitty called Octopussy as my plus one to keep me company. Some people say I'm a cat lady and I am. Octopussy went with me everywhere, and I carried her around in my PBS WNET all-purpose totebag. She liked to play bingo and loved to slink around under the tables at big affairs and fancy banquets. Octopussy loved loved loved shrimps cocktails and she hated floor shows and square dancing for some reason. Come to think of it I don't know how to square dance but I know the Virginia Reel. I named her after a movie. Clever. Right?

At cousin Donald's wedding Octopussy got loose and climbed up the fancy drapes at the reception ‘cause she got scared when Ronald said boo to her. He’s such a practical joker. Donald and Iwanna came over to the table and yelled at Ronald when they seen him feeding Octopussy all the shrimps from the shrimps cocktails. Ronald was very careful and didn’t even touch the fake crabmeats so I don’t know why they hollered. Donald shouted “I’m gonna grab your pussy,” and I screamed back “she don’t get much action so go ahead cousin.” I don't care if he plays with my pussy. She likes to be touched. You know what I mean?

I finally ate two shrimps I grabbed off another table and the fake crabmeats cocktail. Then I saw Octopussy upchuck twenty three shrimps in the middle of the dance floor. Iwanna started talking Greeks again and threw her plate on the dance floor and lucky for my pussy kitty the throw was wide. Cousin Donald said she was an athlete but she couldn’t throw for shit. I threw my plate too. I didn’t know Iwanna was Greeks. I didn't know the wedding was Greeks neither. She was a hairy lady with red lipstick on her teeth so I shoulda known. Then everybody threw plates. It was a Greeks wedding. Right?

Cousin Donald Trump and his Greeks wife Iwanna
and her crown on their wedding day.

I saw Ronald sitting under the tablecloth at the bride and groom table. He’s such a practical joker. I thought he was going to put whoopee cushions on their chairs and say boo but he had bigger plans. He was waiting for cousin Donald and Iwanna to have a snooze. He had warm water in a jar and was gonna put their hand in the warm water to make them wet themselves. When the bride and groom had the wedding toast he mistook Iwanna’s foot for a well manicured hand. Her big ass feet were like pontoons and she wasn’t wearing any shoes so it's an easy mistake. Ronald put her foot in the jar and she jumped and the water spilled down the front of her dress. She looked like she wet herself. He’s such a practical joker. You know what I mean?

We hope you have a Merry Christmas. Cousin Donald said on the six o'clock news that we can say Merry Christmas again. I didn’t know we couldn’t say Merry Christmas. Cousin Donald and Iwanna’s last Christmas card's been sitting on the mantle for over 25 years and it says 'Season’s Greetings.' Cousin Donald's such a practical joker. Right?

Merry Xmas!

Ronni Grump, Pussy Boots Grump, Ronald Grump

My first cousin Donald Trump and his first wife Iwanna Trump. She loves that red lipstick. It must be a Greeks thing. What happened to Iwanna's face? Detox maybe? I still can't understand a damn word that comes out of her mouth. The new one talks Greek too and I don't get a word she says neither. There you have it. 

straight talk in a queer world. 

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